GAG A MAGGOT! BUT I FEEL CLEAN

It’s insanity to pay $2.19 for a bar of soap labeled “Sensitive Skin” that, when you lather up, smells like you’ve spread a froth of whale tallow over your body. It triggers the gag reflex and it also evokes memories of personal hygiene from my past.

“Cheaper By The Dozen” wasn’t just a title of a movie; it was my mother’s purchasing credo. She’d buy soap called Cashmere Bouquet that came 48 to a bag. After washing with that soap, you smelled like you’d just visited the locked bathroom of an Esso Gas Station on Route 66.

Another product she bought in bulk were these cookies called Marigolds. They were vanilla crème sandwich cookies that came 261 to a pack. A coincidence that that’s how many school days were in the year? I think not.

I remember being at a friend’s house and having for a snack a delightful spongy yellow puff with whipped cream in the middle. I raced home and described this divine discovery to my mother and implored her to buy us some Ho Stiss Tween Keys. “Two to a pack!” she bellowed. “Why, Cupcake, there’s not a Snowball’s chance in hell I’ll be buying those. Now go wash up for dinner. That should take your mind off sweets.”

And it did. Because Cashmere Bouquet always put you off your food, be it goulash, gumbo, or cakes. Hey, speaking of cakes . . .

Cake Comments:

“This cake is 99.9 % pure deliciousness!” says Shawn.
“Aye, Shawn, but I like it too!” enthused Mary Margaret.
“Aren’t you glad you eat Small But Tall? Don’t you wish everybody did?” exclaimed a fan.


Cake Fact:

One cake should feed 12 hefty Hostesses or 15 dainty Little Debbies.