If One Had One's Druthers . . .

I brought two bags of homemade cookies to work the other day. Offering some to the secretaries, I gestured towards the cookies and said, “What are your druthers?” Well, drooling eyes turned to confused stares. Crap. I’d done it again: used a phrase I learned at my parents’ knees, a phrase that makes people give ME a look that suggests it must be getting close to the time when I needed to locate my Barnum and Bailey kin and travel with them to their winter camp in Florida.

I held the bag of cookies out and translated, “Choose one.” That, they got.

Here are some other turns of phrase that are almost guaranteed to perplex:

My father: “He allowed as to how it was the best steak he’d ever eaten.” Translation: “He said it was the best steak he’d ever eaten.”

Me: “Hey, Dad, I got an A in math!” My father: “I’ll be jiggered!” Translation: “No shit!”

My mother: “Stop acting like a non compos mentis.” Translation: “Don’t be an asshole.” I actually thought she was saying “Stop acting like a noncompass menace,” which meant that I was being an idiot without direction.

My mother (to a bunch of us siblings): “You’re nothing but a pack of wild animals!” Translation: “You’re nothing but a pack of wild animals!” Turns out she LIKES wild animals and when we’d get home from school she’d often have a pan of warm gingerbread with a lemon sauce topping waiting for us! Yum. It was really like cake.

Hey, speaking of cake, wouldn’t you druther have one of mine . . . .


Cakes - It’s all about comments:

“I’ll be jiggered! This is one helluva cake!” people have been heard to say.
“If I had my druthers, I’d eat this at every meal!” some enthuse.
“If this cake were any better, I’d order two!” exclaimed a fan.


Cakes – It’s all about trivial facts:

One cake will feed a pack of wild animals (i.e, 12 to 15 slices)
At $20.00 a cake, some say it’s cheap. We prefer “bargain.”
Dimensions don’t vary – 6 inches around – 3 layers high
To order, contact me at btall50@aol.com


Cakes – It’s all about choices:

Chocolate with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Chocolate with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)
Yellow with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Yellow with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)