BOOH? BLOODY HELL . . . !#^*!#%+

Halloween night isn’t SCARY for mothers. It’s hands down the most HECTIC night of the year. Here’s the drill:

Buy the pumpkin. Buy film for the camera. Buy more candy for the candy bowl just in case you get 1,000 trick-or-treaters. Buy something easy to cook for early dinner for the kids. Find the camera that you now have film for. Carve the pumpkin. Find a candle, any candle, for the carved pumpkin. Light the pumpkin. Load the camera. Take pictures of the kids eating dinner to test the camera. Dress the kids. Locate extraneous jewelry, scarves, and makeup to complete the costumes. Stop looking for finishing costume touches to answer the doorbell. Jeez, it’s not even DARK yet and the treaters are here already. Kick the barking dog and assure people on the porch the dog won’t bite. Finish dressing the kids. Take pictures of….. Answer the door. Kick the dog. Sample a tootsie roll. …the kids in their costumes. Make mental note to get your good earrings back at the end… Answer the door. Kick the dog. Sample a tootsie roll. …of the evening. Find pillowcases for the kids’ candy bag. Make solemn vow not to ‘sample’ any more tootsie rolls. Send kids off. Apologize to the dog. Sip a beer. Pray that 9:00 P.M. gets here soon.

Whew!!! My kids have grown up now and thank God I don’t have to worry about that anymore. Oh, yeah? Well, what about the phone calls? “What do you mean you haven’t carved the jack-o-lantern? Of course you have to do that.” Or “Hey, can you send me Aunt Anne’s old mink stole. I’ve got a great idea for . . . “ Or “Have you had many trick-or-treaters at your house tonight? Say, is that Bowzer barking in the background?” The nightmare never ends . . . . .BOOH-YA!

If One Had One's Druthers . . .

I brought two bags of homemade cookies to work the other day. Offering some to the secretaries, I gestured towards the cookies and said, “What are your druthers?” Well, drooling eyes turned to confused stares. Crap. I’d done it again: used a phrase I learned at my parents’ knees, a phrase that makes people give ME a look that suggests it must be getting close to the time when I needed to locate my Barnum and Bailey kin and travel with them to their winter camp in Florida.

I held the bag of cookies out and translated, “Choose one.” That, they got.

Here are some other turns of phrase that are almost guaranteed to perplex:

My father: “He allowed as to how it was the best steak he’d ever eaten.” Translation: “He said it was the best steak he’d ever eaten.”

Me: “Hey, Dad, I got an A in math!” My father: “I’ll be jiggered!” Translation: “No shit!”

My mother: “Stop acting like a non compos mentis.” Translation: “Don’t be an asshole.” I actually thought she was saying “Stop acting like a noncompass menace,” which meant that I was being an idiot without direction.

My mother (to a bunch of us siblings): “You’re nothing but a pack of wild animals!” Translation: “You’re nothing but a pack of wild animals!” Turns out she LIKES wild animals and when we’d get home from school she’d often have a pan of warm gingerbread with a lemon sauce topping waiting for us! Yum. It was really like cake.

Hey, speaking of cake, wouldn’t you druther have one of mine . . . .


Cakes - It’s all about comments:

“I’ll be jiggered! This is one helluva cake!” people have been heard to say.
“If I had my druthers, I’d eat this at every meal!” some enthuse.
“If this cake were any better, I’d order two!” exclaimed a fan.


Cakes – It’s all about trivial facts:

One cake will feed a pack of wild animals (i.e, 12 to 15 slices)
At $20.00 a cake, some say it’s cheap. We prefer “bargain.”
Dimensions don’t vary – 6 inches around – 3 layers high
To order, contact me at btall50@aol.com


Cakes – It’s all about choices:

Chocolate with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Chocolate with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)
Yellow with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Yellow with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)

And Now Stay Tuned For . . .

Last evening Brian Williams ended his broadcast with a segment on Madonna FINALLY speaking out about the adoption of the child from Africa. NBC Evening News apparently deemed this so newsworthy that they aired Madonna's statement before Entertainment Tonight, Insider, or Hollywood Edition could scoop them!

Brian, Brian, Brian. Trust has been broken. Credibility has been marred. From this day forward, the only time you can mention Madonna, or Brad, or Angelina Jolie on your news program is if they’ve found the cure for AIDs or if they’ve been awarded the Nobel Prize in literature, science or economics. Period.

Ending the nightly news with a fluff piece on Madonna! If that doesn’t take the cake. Oh, speaking of cake . . . .

Cakes - It’s all about comments:

“Don’t walk. Run to your nearest computer and order one!” people say.
“This cake is so good, it must be twins!” some enthuse.
“If this cake were any better, I’d order two!” exclaimed a fan.


Cakes – It’s all about trivial facts:

One cake will feed an army (if the size of the army is 12 to 15 folks)
At $20.00 a cake, some say it’s cheap. We prefer “bargain.”
Dimensions don’t vary – 6 inches around – 3 layers high
To order, contact me at btall50@aol.com


Cakes – It’s all about choices:

Chocolate with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Chocolate with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)
Yellow with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Yellow with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)

Enough Is Enough - I Can't Take No Morph!!!

I went to sleep last night as myself, and I woke up a pear. I don't know how this happened. Oh, SHUT UP. Like you've never eaten an entire individually wrapped freshness-seal pack of honey graham crackers before. Anyway, I'm putting this out there to all who are reading my blog: I've had enough with this pear-shaped torso and am vowing to surround myself with buckets of water, sheaves of fiber, bushels of fruit, and bins of veggies, and a crawful (yeah, you heard an attitude there all right) a crawful of physical activity.

I need some positive thought waves sent in my direction by you-all so I can accomplish my goal of losing two pounds by next week. Whoever out there feels they've been really instrumental in helping me out with good vibes, I'll reward you with a cake. And speaking of cakes . . . .

Cakes - It’s all about comments:

“Don’t walk. Run to your nearest computer and order one!” people say.
“This cake is so good, it must be twins!” some enthuse.
“If this cake were any better, I’d order two!” exclaimed a fan.


Cakes – It’s all about trivial facts:

One cake will feed an army (if the size of the army is 12 to 15 folks)
At $20.00 a cake, some say it’s cheap. We prefer “bargain.”
Dimensions don’t vary – 6 inches around – 3 layers high
To order, contact me at btall50@aol.com


Cakes – It’s all about choices:

Chocolate with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Chocolate with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)
Yellow with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Yellow with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)

I Wish It Was Season One!

My niece, Olivia, is six years old. The first week into her kindergarten career, she tells her mother out of the blue, “I liked when it was Season One better.” Huh? Well, “season one” is a reference to Meerkat Manor, one of her favorite television shows she watched all summer long. All she meant was that she wanted to return to a time in her life when she didn’t have to get up so early in the morning for school, didn’t have to do homework , didn’t have to live by a schedule. A time when she could lounge about all day and eat Cheetoz and watch TV.

I understand her only too well. She makes me think about my own kids when they were so young, when they were in their Glory Days. I’ll use the year 1984 just as an example. I was 34 at the time and should be able to tell you all about what was happening in the world at that time. Events like a gas leak in India killing 2,000 people at a Union Carbide plant; or like a gunman killing 22 people at a McDonalds in San Ysido, California; or like FBI Agent Richard Miller being arrested for spying; or like India’s Prime Minister, Indira Ghandi, being assassinated.

But instead, when I think of 1984, my thoughts immediately jump to how many times “Jim” had to put “Lady” back in her dog bed the first night they had her, only to lose the battle in the end because she slept at the foot of their bed. I remember holding my breath because I was afraid Kermit might just jump off the Empire State Building when he yells at the people of New York that he’s staying, “This frog is staying!” in the Muppets Take Manhattan. My mind is flooded with visuals involving Zorro, the Masters of the Universe (and that damned swirling vortex!) the Hugg-a-bunch kids, dancing skeletons and ghosts, a la Walt Disney’s Scary Movie, the Care Bears, and when I hear the music from the Charlie Brown Christmas special, I find myself hankering for Cheerios, fish sticks, and apple juice.

My kids are grown and gone now. And sadly I can name every sickening current event of 2006. Children are such wonderful insulation from the real world sometimes. If you’ve got them, count yourself lucky. And when you’re watching Dora the Explorer for the 38th time, don’t be angry. Be thankful. Show your appreciation. Buy them a cake. And speaking of cake . . .

Cakes - It’s all about comments:

“Don’t walk. Run to your nearest computer and order one!” people say.
“This cake is so good, it must be twins!” some enthuse.
“If this cake were any better, I’d order two!” exclaimed a fan.


Cakes – It’s all about trivial facts:

One cake will feed an army (if the size of the army is 12 to 15 folks)
At $20.00 a cake, some say it’s cheap. We prefer “bargain.”
Dimensions don’t vary – 6 inches around – 3 layers high
To order, contact me at btall50@aol.com


Cakes – It’s all about choices:

Chocolate with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Chocolate with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)
Yellow with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Yellow with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)

Paradise Pruned

I was invited over to a friend’s house for dinner some while back and before we ate, she served us wine on her patio where we enjoyed the spectacle of the setting sun.

Music from an indoors sound system enveloped us as we sat amidst an artful scattering of delightful yard décor: a rustic birdhouse hanging from a tree limb; garden sculptures made from wood, from metal, from glass; topiaries; eclectic pieces of yard furniture bedecked with gala fabrics; lit candles sputtering within hurricane lamps.

Every sense assailed, assuaged, afloat, comparison to my own secret garden naturally occurred, and I made a mental note to check to see that we had enough diaper wipes by the back door to clean the dog’s paws after she runs across all the bare spots in our lawn that always turns to mud in nasty weather.

Man, if I had a backyard like my friend’s I’d have people over all the time. Entertaining would be a piece of cake! And speaking of cake . . .


Cakes - It’s all about comments:

“Don’t walk. Run to your nearest computer and order one!” people say.
“This cake is so good, it must be twins!” some enthuse.
“If this cake were any better, I’d order two!” exclaimed a fan.


Cakes – It’s all about trivial facts:

One cake will feed an army (if the size of the army is 12 to 15 folks)
At $20.00 a cake, some say it’s cheap. We prefer “bargain.”
Dimensions don’t vary – 6 inches around – 3 layers high
To order, contact me at btall50@aol.com


Cakes – It’s all about choices:

Chocolate with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Chocolate with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)
Yellow with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Yellow with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)

I feel so dirty . . .

How about that teacher in Texas who took her elementary school students to the museum where they saw works of art, some of which were paintings of nudes. Parental uproar ensued. And I don't know what happened to the teacher. Resignation? Termination? I'm not sure.

My main concern, of course, is for the kids who were exposed to and undoubtedly scarred by the images depicted in oils on canvas by such sketchy characters as Botticelli, da Vinci, Michelangelo.

Best that these children get back to their normal routines as quickly as possible so they can put these horrific images from the art museum out of their minds - back to MTV with its lip-licking, pelvic-thrusting, groin-grinding fare. Back to their dinner hour serving of Viagra commercials on erectile dysfunction aired at exactly 6:30 to 7:30 nightly. Back to their earlier childhood memories of the frequently-run Herbal Essence commercial where a frothy head of suds was accompanied by simulated climax sounds.

People, I think we should cut the great masters some slack. So they liked a little cheesecake. Who doesn't? And speaking of cake . . . .

Cakes - It’s all about comments:
“Don’t walk. Run to your nearest computer and order one!” people say.
“This cake is so good, it must be twins!” some enthuse.
“If this cake were any better, I’d order two!” exclaimed a fan.


Cakes – It’s all about trivial facts:
One cake will feed an army (if the size of the army is 12 to 15 folks)
At $20.00 a cake, some say it’s cheap. We prefer “bargain.”
Dimensions don’t vary – 6 inches around – 3 layers high
To order, contact me at btall50@aol.com


Cakes – It’s all about choices:
Chocolate with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Chocolate with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)
Yellow with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Yellow with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)

Blind Sighted

I used to think that Venetian blinds were called Phoenician blinds (as in a letter from the Phoenicians to the Corinthians. My further thought was “Wow! They not only wrote; they invented window treatments!”) Unrelated sidebar: I thought a juke box was called a Jute Box (as in the Jutes and the Saxons or the Visigoths.) Anybody see an emerging pattern of difficulty in misnaming groups of people?

But back to these Phoenician blinds. A word to the wise: Put the frumpy curtains back up. You’ll be happier. Blinds last forever, but they’ll break your heart.

For instance, the wand on the left that opens and closes the slats. Well, if you lose one of those (say because one of your male children needed to use it as a sword when playing Zorro with a friend back in 1990), then the only way to open and close the slats is to stand on tippy toe and, using little monkey fingers, twist, twist, twist, twist, each morning, each night.

And that little plastic widget on the right, the one that holds the two strings together so that when you raise the blind, the left side is even with the right side – when that plastic piece comes off, you have to make a concerted effort to keep the bottom bar straight across. There are members in the family that can’t, don’t, won’t take the effort to make sure it looks straight, and you’ll be the one with a suspected case of Turrets when you roam through the rooms yelling “White trash!” “White trash!” (I have no problem naming this group of people).

The ravages of time will destroy the top mechanism of the blinds, too, and where once all you had to do was grasp the strings, give a little tug, then step away, the day comes when you have to grip the bottom of the blinds with your left hand and simultaneously pull down and yank out, pull down and yank out, pull down and yank out with your right until the strings catch (a sequence of moves that’s directly related to the number of years you’ve owned the blinds AND to your personal penchant for dusting).

Anyway, I guess I’ll try to order some new parts for my blinds. Do you think Levalor will know what I’m talking about when I say I need two new Zorro wands? This could prove difficult. But you know what’s NOT difficult to order? Small but Tall Cakes. And speaking of cakes . . .

Cakes - It’s all about comments:

“Don’t walk. Run to your nearest computer and order one!” people say.
“This cake is so good, it must be twins!” some enthuse.
“If this cake were any better, I’d order two!” exclaimed a fan.


Cakes – It’s all about trivial facts:

One cake will feed an army (if the size of the army is 12 to 15 folks)
At $20.00 a cake, some say it’s cheap. We prefer “bargain.”
Dimensions don’t vary – 6 inches around – 3 layers high
To order, contact me at btall50@aol.com


Cakes – It’s all about choices:

Chocolate with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Chocolate with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)
Yellow with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Yellow with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)

Hugging Short

Tall people - I could just hug you. But if I do, it's not going to be pretty. Since I'm short, one of two things happens when I hug tall folks: Either my face gets smashed into their chest and I leave vestiges of whatever blush and lipstick and foundation I'm wearing - OR - I manage to clear their torso and claw my way up so that my face is over their shoulder, looking much like a beginner swimmer who flounders to the side of the pool and grabs onto the cement edge, sputtering and gasping for air. A lot of time people mistake my embraces for enthusiasm when really I'm just giddy I made it to the top of the hill, so to speak, with makeup and hairdo intact.

There was one time when I actually WAS the TALL person hugging a shorter person. I stayed in the moment of affection a little longer than necessary because I wanted to luxuriate in the pose. A little later when I saw the person circulating amongst the guests, I noticed he had white deodorant streaks all over both shoulders of his suit. Well, I guess we know who THOSE came from!

I can't remember what they were serving at the function we were at, but I'm pretty sure somewhere in the whole spread there was a cake. And speaking of cake . . .

This is usually where I present a template of cake facts, but the response has been so underwhelming lately, that I'm just going to resort to sarcasm instead and say let's don't everybody rush to the e-mail address of btall50@aol.com and order a cake. No. God forbid you should order a cake for a friend, or a spouse, or a boss, or a . . . Just kidding. Hugs, if you know what I mean.

What Can I DO You For?

More tales from the days of my childhood, once again harkening back to expressions our parents used. Big party people, were my parents. My mother would say “What can I DO you for?” and the guests laughed; my mother laughed and poured them a drink; then everybody laughed some more.

There was a lot of hilarity over one misplaced preposition. And even given lots and lots of opportunities to correct her grammar (big, frequent party people, remember), she never did. And her guests never stopped laughing over her ‘mistake.’

It took years to discover “What can I do you for” was NOT a bartending term of art. It’s just one of many ill-fated sentences that ends with a preposition. I’ll pause for a moment so everyone can gasp – because we all know the golden rule of composition: Never end a sentence with a preposition.

And our teachers had a reason to steer us clear of such bad habits. For instance, take a simple inquiry, What are we in here for? Switch it around a bit, and you get What are we in for here? A bit suggestive. Or how about What do you have against that? Innocuous? But then it becomes What do you have that against? A little naughty. Or What am I going to do with you? That becomes What am I going to do you with? Well, that’s right between the eyes, isn’t it. Or. . .

Anyway, watch your language and don’t become a gutter mouth. And I’ve found that one of the easiest ways to keep your mouth clean is to eat cake. And speaking of cake . . . .

Cake – it’s all about choices:
Chocolate cake/chocolate frosting (rich chocolate fudge )
Chocolate cake/white frosting (scrumptious cream cheese frosting)
Yellow cake/chocolate frosting (that chocolate fudge thing again)
Yellow cake/ white frosting (more cream cheese delight)

Cake – it’s all about interesting tidbits:
Each cake serves 12 to 15 people
Value galore – only $20.00 per cake
Each cake measures 6 inches in diameter (small)
Each cake stands three layers high (tall)

Cake – it’ all about comments:
“Two spatulas up,” say some.
“The ‘taste good’ dessert of 2006,” say others.
“This cake’s got gold medal written all over it,” enthuse the rest.