IT TAKES A VILLAGE BY SURPRISE (NOT!)

She’s back and bringing with her the paperback version of her book It Takes A Village. She must want her name front and center. Done and done. And nobody even hinted at a campaign platform, when she grabbed the microphone from Meredith Vi era and went on a rant about the importance of all the children in her world being insured. So watch out. Along with Dora the Explorer pencils and Hello, Kitty erasers, we'll now see a barrage of It Takes A Village lunch boxes, or coin purses, or maybe even little backpacks for tots to put their little insurance policies in. You know, for when they have their bouts of chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, or high blood pressure, or angina attacks, or when they throw a clot. They’re kids! They don’t need insurance policies! I’m 56. Maybe she’d go for insuring my inner child!

Look, it’s a great concept. We get it. It takes a village. A fence is only as strong as its weakest link. All for one and one for all. United we stand, divided we fall. There is no “I” in team. “HE AIN'T HEAVY, FATHER. HE'S MY VILLAGER."

In real life, a lot of our children have already experienced a working model of the village idea in school. It goes something like this: Divide the class into four-pupil groups (villages, if you will). Give the four villagers an assignment. Invariably one pupil will do all the work and the other three slack asses will jump on the Gimme bus and ride it to go pick up their A’s.

So while It Takes A Village is an admirable concept, it could be problematic to put into practice. Actually, when I hear It Takes A Village, I can’t help but think of that old ‘60s movie, The Village of The Damned. You had to think of a brick wall so the little tots could’t read your mind and destroy you. I would’t picture a wall, though; I’d picture food. And when I picture food, I picture a cake. Hey, speaking of cake . . .

Cake Comments:

“This cake makes us glad we’re not cannibals,” grunt villagers.
“Small But Talls are heap big medicine, man,” enthused Shaman Jones.
“Come on a' my hut, a' my hut; I’ll give you cake and candy” sang one fan.


Cake Fact:

One cake should feed 12 tribal chieftains or 15 pea-shooting pygmies.

GAG A MAGGOT! BUT I FEEL CLEAN

It’s insanity to pay $2.19 for a bar of soap labeled “Sensitive Skin” that, when you lather up, smells like you’ve spread a froth of whale tallow over your body. It triggers the gag reflex and it also evokes memories of personal hygiene from my past.

“Cheaper By The Dozen” wasn’t just a title of a movie; it was my mother’s purchasing credo. She’d buy soap called Cashmere Bouquet that came 48 to a bag. After washing with that soap, you smelled like you’d just visited the locked bathroom of an Esso Gas Station on Route 66.

Another product she bought in bulk were these cookies called Marigolds. They were vanilla crème sandwich cookies that came 261 to a pack. A coincidence that that’s how many school days were in the year? I think not.

I remember being at a friend’s house and having for a snack a delightful spongy yellow puff with whipped cream in the middle. I raced home and described this divine discovery to my mother and implored her to buy us some Ho Stiss Tween Keys. “Two to a pack!” she bellowed. “Why, Cupcake, there’s not a Snowball’s chance in hell I’ll be buying those. Now go wash up for dinner. That should take your mind off sweets.”

And it did. Because Cashmere Bouquet always put you off your food, be it goulash, gumbo, or cakes. Hey, speaking of cakes . . .

Cake Comments:

“This cake is 99.9 % pure deliciousness!” says Shawn.
“Aye, Shawn, but I like it too!” enthused Mary Margaret.
“Aren’t you glad you eat Small But Tall? Don’t you wish everybody did?” exclaimed a fan.


Cake Fact:

One cake should feed 12 hefty Hostesses or 15 dainty Little Debbies.

SAY KIDS, WHAT TIME IS IT?

Big snafu in Iraq.

I bet the puppeteers of the GOP who steered our ship’s captain into office occasionally let slip an “Oops!” Shame, shame, shame. It seems a bad time in history to make someone Head Honcho whose primary qualifying credentials seem to be having money and a proficiency with a megaphone.

Anyway, the string-pullers would go a long way towards redeeming themselves if they’d go out and crown Tom Friedman as president. I heart me some Tom Friedman. He said the other day that long, long ago he pondered whether Iraq was like it was because of Saddam Hussein or whether Saddam Hussein was like he was because of Iraq! What I loved about this statement was that it showed that he had actually thought about a situation BEFORE the shit hit the fan!!!

Oh, well. I am curious about the Iraq Study Group, though. I wonder if they realize how ‘high school’ Iraq Study Group sounds. Are there people on the panel who are Howdy Doody fans? I wonder how arduous their task was. Did they take a lot of breaks? Did they get meals served to them? What about snacks? Cookies, brownies, cakes. Hey, speaking of cakes . . .


Cakes - It’s all about comments:

“Jimminy Cricket, this cake is great!” people say.
“This cake is so good, you’ll think you’ve died and gone to Pleasure Island!” some enthuse.
“Knock me down and call me Clarabelle! I want more!” exclaimed a fan.


Cakes – It’s all about trivial facts:

One cake will feed about 12 wooden dummies or 15 marionnettes.
At $20.00 (plus shipping) a cake, some say it’s cheap. We prefer “bargain.”
Dimensions don’t vary – 6 inches around – 3 layers high
To order, contact me at btall50@aol.com


Cakes – It’s all about choices:

Chocolate with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Chocolate with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)
Yellow with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Yellow with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)

HOLIDAY SHOUT-OUT TO MY SISTER, GRINCHEN

Not in the mood for Christmas? Well, you get in the mood and you get in the mood right now.

You know, we’ve all had wounded memories of Christmases gone awry. So what? We’re not direct descendants of Norman Rockwell.

You’re probably still a little sensitive about how dad punished you for your pissy attitude by making you read (how many times?) the parable of “A Dog In The Manger.” But put that anger behind you and move on.

And while you’re at it, shelve the frustration over having to sit at “the kids table” for dinner. I guess having you research biblical parables wasn’t the quick fix Dad was hoping for.

And who wouldn’t be disappointed if, when all they wanted was a bucket purse, they got a soap-on-a-rope instead? Get thee behind me, disappointment.

Replace these feelings with remembrances of Christmases done right. You know, when we got to have real butter instead of margarine at Christmas dinner! When we got bacon with our eggs instead of Ralston Purina! Real orange juice instead of Tang! Ho, ho, ho. Too much Christmas!

What about the weeks leading up to Christmas, when Dad would bring out the bowl of nuts and tangerines? The hard ribbon candy and the crème drops (what’s with calling them Chicken Hearts? A throw-back to his Minnesota heritage?). I didn’t even like nuts and oranges, but he was so giddy over this custom that he suckered me into believing it was a tradition we couldn’t live without.

Don’t even try to tell me that when the music from “The Nutcracker Suite” comes on you don’t smile, remembering my rendition of a ballerina doing “The Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy,”

There. Has your pea-sized holiday heart grown three times its size today? Just remember this. Some people see a glass as half full; while others see it as fathers who should take their discipline and . . .

Anyway, holiday cheer, dear. You can thank me later for NOT sending you a fruitcake. Hey, speaking of cakes . . .

Cakes - It’s all about comments:

“The only thing cuter than this cake is Cindy Lou Who!” people say.
“One bite of this cake will having you saying ‘It’s A Wonderful Life,’” some enthuse.
“This cake is the Tickle Me Elmo of cakes,” exclaimed a fan.


Cakes – It’s all about trivial facts:

One cake will feed about 12 Secret Santas or 15 helper elves.
At $20.00 (plus shipping) a cake, some say it’s cheap. We prefer “bargain.”
Dimensions don’t vary – 6 inches around – 3 layers high
To order, contact me at btall50@aol.com


Cakes – It’s all about choices:

Chocolate with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Chocolate with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)
Yellow with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Yellow with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)