ELIMINATING THE MIDDLE (AM)MAN

I heard on the news yesterday that there’s an enclave of Iraqis who have left Iraq and moved to a location near Amman, Jordan. Seems their businesses were destroyed and their lives pretty well disrupted by the war and all. They needed someplace where they could feel kunky-cozy, as my nephew Charlie would say, a place that felt like home. So they've established stores and little cafes and have given these locations familiar-sounding names, like Al Baghdad Boulevard, or Al Husaybah Lane, or Al Ramadi Avenue.

Seems to me that that’s no different than a bunch of occupants of a burning apartment high-rise, standing on the sidewalk below with the spectators, watching as the firemen rush into the blazing building to save them.

But then I can understand the allure of a safe cafe to escape to. You’ve got that aromatic java that begs for an accompanying piece of cake. Hey, speaking of cake . . .

Cakes - It’s all about comments:

“This cake just stamps my Visa!” people say.
“I’ll only expatriate if they have cake like this where we’re going,” enthuse others.
“Now I know what all the fuss is about with those sidewalk cafes!” exclaimed a fan.


Cakes – It’s all about trivial facts:

One cake will feed about 12 Sheits or 15 Sunis.
At $20.00 a cake, some say it’s cheap. We prefer “bargain.”
Dimensions don’t vary – 6 inches around – 3 layers high
To order, contact me at btall50@aol.com


Cakes – It’s all about choices:

Chocolate with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Chocolate with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)
Yellow with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Yellow with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)

JUST ADD WATER AND MIX!

Nope. These are not instructions for muffins, cookies, or biscuits in a box.

This is, however, my answer to the often-asked question “How did you get your hair to look like that?”

I’ve got wacky hair. There’s no denying it. When I go to the beauty say-lon, I hear things being said as I make my way from the shampoo basin to my stylist’s station. “Havoc,” some whisper. “Turbulence,” others say, cutting their eyes at my dome and then dropping their stares when I look their way. Ladies under dryer hoods elbow each other and mouth “Disturbances.”

As luck would have it, today there are pastes, putties, and pomades that work magic on troubled hair. And, if you put enough concoction on your hair one day, the next day there’s enough residual product still clinging to your follicles that all you have to do is JUST ADD WATER AND MIX! Literally. Cup some water in your hands, fling it onto your head, then toss your hair like so much house salad. Voila – sassy yet insolent hairdo.

Hey, wouldn’t it be great if somebody came up with a Scratch ‘N Sniff product line for people with hair ‘issues’? An innocent fingernail scrape to the scalp, and the room would be redolent with smells of hot chocolate with marshmallows, or gingerbread cookies, or peppermint candies, or turkey with stuffing?

Or there could be a line of goo dedicated to the aroma of nature. How about the scent of rain or a brewing storm? God knows my hair sometimes looks like it’s been hit by a nor’easter!

Well, I’ve got to go to work. I’d better fix up my hair. And today I’ll need big globs of product to be caked on. Hey, speaking of cake . . .

Cakes - It’s all about comments:
“You’ll flip your wig over this cake!” people say.
“This cake is good down to the roots!” some enthuse.
“This is the Vidal Sasson of all cakes!” exclaimed a fan.

Cakes – It’s all about trivial facts:
One cake will feed about 12 redheads or 15 blond bimbos.
At $20.00 (plus shipping) a cake, some say it’s cheap. We prefer “bargain.”
Dimensions don’t vary – 6 inches around – 3 layers high
To order, contact me at btall50@aol.com

Cakes – It’s all about choices:
Chocolate with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Chocolate with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)
Yellow with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Yellow with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)

COUNTER INTELLIGENCE

I’m sure everybody remembers words of wisdom that their fathers handed down to them, gems of sage advice regarding careers, wealth, character development.

These are the things I remember my father telling me:

Clean the counter frequently as you’re cooking and be sure to wash the pots and pans as you go along. It’s a BIG MISTAKE to let a mess pile up.

If you’re going to drink coffee at all, drink it black.

You’ll never be successful until you stop biting your fingernails.

He also told me to invest in gold and to save 10 percent of every paycheck I received. These tidbits, I disregarded because by that time I’d mentally revoked his advisory license over the coffee and fingernail thing. Not a good decision on my part after all. If I’d listened to him, I wouldn’t have to be hocking desserts just to make ends meet.

But I did ultimately honor his word when it comes to counter cleanliness. Over the years I’ve tried to keep a fairly tidy kitchen. Hey, you never know who’s going to stop by for a cuppa coffee and a slice-a cake. And speaking of cake . . . .

Cakes - It’s all about comments:

“I spy something that you don’t see, and the color of it is DELICIOUS!” people say.
“You don’t have to be a sleuth to discover how wonderful this cake is!” some enthuse.
“The name’s B’Tall, Small B’Tall!” exclaimed agent 007.


Cakes – It’s all about trivial facts:

One cake will feed 12 gum shoes or 15 wiley undercover agents.
At $20.00 a cake, some say it’s cheap. We prefer “bargain.”
Dimensions don’t vary – 6 inches around – 3 layers high
To order, contact me at btall50@aol.com


Cakes – It’s all about choices:

Chocolate with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Chocolate with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)
Yellow with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Yellow with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)

AN HOURGLASS FIGURE - AS SEEN IN ITS 23RD HOUR!

A while back I was bellyaching about my figure turning into a pear. At that time I vowed less calories and more activity. I stuck with that regimen for an entire week but was not happy with the results. So I decided to augment my program with one of those undergarments we’ve all seen on Oprah and the morning news shows.

I sallied forth, feeling breathlessly adorable - - - until I caught a glimpse of my profile in a department store window. Until that moment, I had not considered where the displaced skin went, that it would lodge itself above my bra line across the whole of my back. What I saw so dismayed me that all I could do was think in fragments – cliff-dwelling Inca tribe – etching pueblo into rock – jutting massive overhang.

I haven’t decided whether to keep the apparel, but if I do, I’m going to have to pull that bad boy down, way down. And I don’t care if it looks like I’m wearing jodhpurs under my skirt. It’s better than people eyeing the ledge across my back, deciding if it would make a perfect place to display their decorative plates!

Geez, this keeping fit is hard work. It’s certainly no cakewalk. Oh, and speaking of cake . . .


Cakes - It’s all about comments:

“Corset’s good. It’s a Small But Tall!” people say.
“This cake should be the foundation of one’s dessert tray!” some enthuse.
“I’ve got a gut feeling this cake is going to be delicious!” exclaimed a fan.


Cakes – It’s all about trivial facts:

One cake will feed 12 buxom gals or 15 biddies with good metabolism.
At $20.00 a cake, some say it’s cheap. We prefer “bargain.”
Dimensions don’t vary – 6 inches around – 3 layers high
To order, contact me at btall50@aol.com


Cakes – It’s all about choices:

Chocolate with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Chocolate with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)
Yellow with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Yellow with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)

Hang In There, Saddam!

Well, the long ordeal of trying you in court has come to an end. Tuning into the news shows, I’ll miss seeing you standing there, looking like the center box in Hollywood Squares. I always fantasized you’d break into a Paul Lynde impression and say something awfully catty and risqué to the judge presiding, followed by the dirtiest of laughs.

As the final curtain falls on the three-ring circus you made out of your trial, I’d like to serenade you with this little ditty:

Hang down your head, S’dam Dooley
Hang down your head and cry.
Hang down your head S’dam Dooley
Poor man you’re bound to die.

I don’t know the custom in Iraq when someone is condemned to die. Here, we let that person choose their last meal. Some want barbeque; some want lobster; others opt for cake. Hey, speaking of cake . . . .

Cakes - It’s all about comments:

“Don’t judge this cake till you’ve eaten the last crumb!” people say.
“The jury is back. They rule in favor of Small But Tall cakes!” some enthuse.
“I’m imprisoned by my addiction to this cake” exclaimed a fan.


Cakes – It’s all about trivial facts:

One cake will feed a jury of 12 or 15 honest judges.
At $20.00 a cake, some say it’s cheap. We prefer “bargain.”
Dimensions don’t vary – 6 inches around – 3 layers high
To order, contact me at btall50@aol.com


Cakes – It’s all about choices:

Chocolate with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Chocolate with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)
Yellow with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Yellow with chocolate frosting (fudge chocolate)

You're A Poopie Head! No, You're A Poopie Head!

That is what ultimately distills into my brain after a three-second misspeak gets aired for 18 hours on national television and our governmental leaders babble on, and on, and on.

And then after the folks directly involved with the vagaries of politics have had their say, then we get to hear from the pundits – the Matalins, the Carvilles, the O'Reillys, and Coulters. Talk about your weapons of mass distortion. While they’re busy spinning things down to the lowest common denominator, I’m thinking of them as the lowest demeaning commentator.

Does anybody know of a decent Whig or Tory out there that I could vote for in the coming election? Sheesh. I need asylum from things political. I need a quiet corner, a cup of tea, a slice cake to help me think. Hey, speaking of cake . . .


Cakes - It’s all about comments:
“You’ll flip your Whig!” some have said.
“This cake is so good it should be President!” some enthuse.
“Mark your ballot for this one!” exclaimed a fan.

Cakes – It’s all about trivial facts:
One cake will feed 12 Democrats or 15 Republicans
At $20.00 a cake, some say it’s cheap. We prefer “bargain.”
Dimensions don’t vary – 6 inches around – 3 layers high
To order, contact me at btall50@aol.com

Cakes – It’s all about choices:
Chocolate with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Chocolate with chocolate frosting (yummy fast fudge frosting)
Yellow with white frosting (cream cheese & butter)
Yellow with chocolate frosting (yummy fast fudge frosting)