The Little Black Pant Is Back!

The skinny black pant is back! Well, if your name doesn’t begin with “Mary” and end with “Tyler Moore,” run for the hills!!!

I’m 56. I know very well I am NOT who Gap is targeting. But I’m still full of angst for my younger female friends who are going to feel compelled to adopt this new fashion trend. God forbid any of us should leave the clothes on Gap’s handsome rough-hewn wooden shelves. Even gals with cankles (calf-like ankles) are going to be prancing out the door, Audrey Hepburn wannabe’s, foregoing their breakfast at Tiffany’s if they want to fit into the pant next week.

My complaint isn’t exactly all that altruistic either. Because I know that whatever the fashion is, we in America try to adapt it to ALL age groups. Gals, it’s only a matter of time until that little black pant is outfitted with an elastic waistband and enough fabric in the derriere to make it look like anything BUT a skinny black pant. All of a sudden, you’re going to be praying that cankles was your biggest problem!

Like I said, run for the hills. And maybe all that exercise will give you an excellent excuse to reward yourself . . . . with a piece of cake. And speaking of cake . . . .

Cake – it’s all about choices:
Chocolate cake/chocolate frosting (rich chocolate fudge )
Chocolate cake/white frosting (scrumptious cream cheese frosting)
Yellow cake/chocolate frosting (that chocolate fudge thing again)
Yellow cake/ white frosting (more cream cheese delight)

Cake – it’s all about interesting tidbits:
Each cake serves 12 to 15 people
Value galore – only $20.00 per cake
Each cake measures 6 inches in diameter (small)
Each cake stands three layers high (tall)

Cake – it’ all about comments:
“Two spatulas up,” say some.
“The ‘taste good’ dessert of 2006,” say others.
“This cake’s got gold medal written all over it,” enthuse the rest.

Chris and Bill, sitting in a tree, H-I-S-S-I-N-G

I have little to say about those boys behaving badly on national television. Their exchange would have been more dignified if they'd just gone ahead and engaged in a game of "You're it. I quit."

Man, though, Bill was really giving it to Chris and I was just about to announce him the winner, but then I noticed his hairy white legs exposed between his pants' cuff and his black socks. Huh-uh. Sorry, Bill.

I don't know what could have defused such a heated discussion. Oh, wait. I do so. All someone had to do was offer them a glass of milk and a slice of cake. And speaking of cake . . . .

Cake – it’s all about choices:
Chocolate cake/chocolate frosting (rich chocolate fudge )
Chocolate cake/white frosting (scrumptious cream cheese frosting)
Yellow cake/chocolate frosting (that chocolate fudge thing again)
Yellow cake/ white frosting (more cream cheese delight)

Cake – it’s all about interesting tidbits:
Each cake serves 12 to 15 people
Value galore – only $20.00 per cake
Each cake measures 6 inches in diameter (small)
Each cake stands three layers high (tall)

Cake – it’ all about comments:
“Two spatulas up,” say some.
“The ‘taste good’ dessert of 2006,” say others.
“This cake’s got gold medal written all over it,” enthuse the rest.

You're strong to the finish 'cuz you ate your spin . . . Never mind.

It's good thing Popeye isn't here to see this e. coli thing. Can't you just imagine his left-sided facial palsy being ironed out by his look of shock over having his spinach supply dickered with? If you can't eat spinach, what can you eat?

How about some cake? My cake. Small But Tall Cakes:

• chocolate with chocolate frosting (rich creamy fudge frosting)
• chocolate with white frosting (dee-lish cream cheese frosting)
• yellow with chocolate frosting (again with the creamy fudge)
• yellow with white frosting (more scrumptious cream cheese)

I call them Small But Tall for a reason: They're small (only 6 inches in diameter). But they're Tall (three layers high) Each cake serves 12 to 15 people. They're only $20.00! A bargain? I'll say. Let's listen in on other comments:

• "Two spatulas up!" say some.
• "The 'taste good' dessert of 2006," say others.
• "This cake's got gold medal written all over it!" enthuse the rest.

So order a cake. It won't make you sick.

Now back to Popeye. I used to watch him every single afternoon after school. By default, that means I got exposed to Olive Oyl five days a week, too. She was my idol. Girls today have Kate Moss and the all-too-thin models from Spain to set their sights on for the envied physique. A ridiculous comparison, my cartoon character and the supermodels of today? I think not.

Who am describing? Reed thin body build. No butt. No bust. Knobby knees. Sharp elbows. Legs that reach from the ground to second floor. Head supported on a ridiculously long neck. Thin hair pulled back into a sleek bun. Pouty lips made eight times their normal size by one swoosh of lipstick.

Olive Oyl - - - to a fault. How I wanted to be configured like her. I've missed it by 12 inches at my tallest and by 60 pounds at my lightest. The perception of my body image would have been so much better off if there had been a cartoon show written and illustrated by Peter Paul Rubens (minus the nudity, of course). Rubens should have been a cartoonist; then I could have been a contender. Oh, well.

"What are you pushing?"

"What are you pushing?" my mother sometimes said. She's 80-something now and relatively hip. But when she asked "What are you pushing?" she didn't mean to imply hashish, reefer, hemp, belladonna. She literally meant "What's on the plate that you're pushing across the counter to me?"

What am I pushing? Well, cakes. With past posts, I've suggested cake as a celebration. Today, I recommend it solely as comfort food. It's remedial and it's going to take at least two slices - - to get the taste of that buffoon from South America out of your mouth. How dare he address the UN assembly and blast our president? That simply is not allowed. Bush is our president; we will do the same awesome job we've always done at putting him down. But this clown from South America got Third World TV confused with Second City TV apparently.

Anyway, let them eat cake is my motto for the day. Specifically let them eat Small But Tall cake in any of the four varieties available: Yellow with Chocolate Frosting; Yellow with White Frosting; Chocolate with Chocolate Frosting; Chocolate with White Frosting. Contact me. We'll talk.

It's an open invitation to everyone - everyone except the joker from South America. If he contacted me personally and asked me for one of my cakes, I'd have to say "No cake para usted, Sheckie Chavas."

Is that a cake in that box, or . . .

Great news! Wal-Mart is going to refill generic prescriptions for $4.00!@!@! GET OUT! Let's celebrate . . . with cake. Small but tall cakes. Small in diameter (6 inches) but tall in flavor and height (3 layers high). I like one-syllable words and I like to make neat, basic cakes. Forget the flowers, the blooms, the clowns, the bert-and-earnie decorations. I don't decorate because I have no artistic talent - at all. But I do have a knack for making one great-tasting cake. Ergo, I'm the one you want to contact.

Here are your choices:
Yellow cake with chocolate frosting (chocolate fudge frosting like granny used to make).
Yellow cake with white frosting (cream cheese and butter and delish).
Chocolate cake with chocolate frosting (remember above-mentioned granny).
Chocolate cake with white frosting (the delish cream cheese and butter thing).