SPEECH PATHOLOGY
Can we talk? I mean “we” as in we Americans. Can we talk? Yeah, we can. But just barely. There is many things I have noticed in the way people around me use everyday speech. If you listen, you’ll notice that something has went bad wrong with our verbal skills.
I think it’s time we all step back and ax ourself: How can we return to speaking the Queen’s English like we done in the past?
Aside from glottal clicks and sliding diphthongs, English is a pretty easy language to master. YOU MAKE YOUR NOUNS AGREE WITH YOUR VERBS! Period. Sounding smart is 95% complete. The other pesky 5 % of seeming like you’ve got culture has to do with pronunciation. Luckily, from infancy to about age 7, this comes to you by way of osmosis. Could anything be any E. Z. R.?
When my son was around 5 years old his teacher wanted to send him to a speech therapist – all because he said stuff like: “At recess, the gulls in my class all chase me and try to kiss me,” or “My mom’s hair is so spiky, it won’t cull,” or “Dried parmesan cheese in the green shaker makes me want to hull.”
I didn’t send him to therapy. His problem self-corrected and by second semester of his kindergarten year, the gulls no longer pestered him.
In fact, up to age 5, I think all children should be granted an indulgence for how they pronounce their words.
But any older than that, there’s really no excuse for saying, by way of example, “ax” instead of “ask.” If these and similar slips of the tongue are not corrected early on, a person may suffer a trickle-down diction problem later in life and could be in danger of such gaffs as:
“I’m on my way to bank. Has anyone seen my ski max?”
Or:
“Good heavens! The drug traffic on this corner has really been brix tonight.”
Or:
“Teacher say if I refrain from sex till I’m 12, I can significantly reduce my rix of pregnancy.”
Or:
“I’m sorry, I won’t be able to come in to work today; I think I’ve fractured my dix.”
Long ago my sister told me it was a good idea to let babies suck on pacifiers. Something to do with toning the tongue and lip muscles vital for a child’s development of clear speech patterns later on. I know as adults some of us still yearn for verbal clarity. Since we would look foolish reverting to the Binky, I think the same muscle workout can be achieved if you were to, say, suck the frosting off the roof of your mouth from that chocolate cake you had for dessert. Cake? Hey, speaking of cake . . . .
Cake Comments:
“Do I want a Small But Tall cake? You don’t have to ax me twice,” chortled one fan.
“Small But Tall cakes are the brix in the foundation of desserts,” opined another.
“At the rix of sounding arrogant, only a Small But Tall will do for me,” intoned one enthusiast.
Cake Facts:
One cake will feed 15 linguists or 12 vocal coaches.
I think it’s time we all step back and ax ourself: How can we return to speaking the Queen’s English like we done in the past?
Aside from glottal clicks and sliding diphthongs, English is a pretty easy language to master. YOU MAKE YOUR NOUNS AGREE WITH YOUR VERBS! Period. Sounding smart is 95% complete. The other pesky 5 % of seeming like you’ve got culture has to do with pronunciation. Luckily, from infancy to about age 7, this comes to you by way of osmosis. Could anything be any E. Z. R.?
When my son was around 5 years old his teacher wanted to send him to a speech therapist – all because he said stuff like: “At recess, the gulls in my class all chase me and try to kiss me,” or “My mom’s hair is so spiky, it won’t cull,” or “Dried parmesan cheese in the green shaker makes me want to hull.”
I didn’t send him to therapy. His problem self-corrected and by second semester of his kindergarten year, the gulls no longer pestered him.
In fact, up to age 5, I think all children should be granted an indulgence for how they pronounce their words.
But any older than that, there’s really no excuse for saying, by way of example, “ax” instead of “ask.” If these and similar slips of the tongue are not corrected early on, a person may suffer a trickle-down diction problem later in life and could be in danger of such gaffs as:
“I’m on my way to bank. Has anyone seen my ski max?”
Or:
“Good heavens! The drug traffic on this corner has really been brix tonight.”
Or:
“Teacher say if I refrain from sex till I’m 12, I can significantly reduce my rix of pregnancy.”
Or:
“I’m sorry, I won’t be able to come in to work today; I think I’ve fractured my dix.”
Long ago my sister told me it was a good idea to let babies suck on pacifiers. Something to do with toning the tongue and lip muscles vital for a child’s development of clear speech patterns later on. I know as adults some of us still yearn for verbal clarity. Since we would look foolish reverting to the Binky, I think the same muscle workout can be achieved if you were to, say, suck the frosting off the roof of your mouth from that chocolate cake you had for dessert. Cake? Hey, speaking of cake . . . .
Cake Comments:
“Do I want a Small But Tall cake? You don’t have to ax me twice,” chortled one fan.
“Small But Tall cakes are the brix in the foundation of desserts,” opined another.
“At the rix of sounding arrogant, only a Small But Tall will do for me,” intoned one enthusiast.
Cake Facts:
One cake will feed 15 linguists or 12 vocal coaches.
posted by Small but Tall | 3:47 PM
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