THIS ISN'T YOUR FATHER'S HEADACHE! ***

Remember when, back in the day, the only commercials on TV about health issues just dealt with your garden variety headache or your upset stomach? By way of example:

Problem: Headache

Depiction: A rough-faced guy balls up his fists, slams his knuckles together , and says with a grimace, “When I get a headache, it’s like TWO BULL RAMS right in the middle of my forehead.” He tosses back a couple of aspirin, his countenance smoothes out, he offers a rakish smile . . . .

Possible side effects: Headache (sometimes the Bayer didn’t work).

Today? TV commercials address a smorgasbord of medical problems. Just to name a few:

Problem: Acid reflux, impotence, incontinent bladder, disintegrating bones, warts on nether regions, high blood pressure, uncontrolled cholesterol, debilitating congestion.

Depiction: Anything from two blobs of green snot trying to plug up someone’s nostrils; to a mini -chemistry lesson on statins, beta-blockers, and ace-inhibitors; to a guy throwing a football through a tire dangling from a tree limb (a clever bit of imagery when the standard train-through-the-tunnel is just too much for the scene).

Side effects: Gout. Weakness. Sleeplessness. Cold feet. Hot flash . Kidney failure. Constipation. Diarrhea. Hacking cough. Inability to stand and talk at the same time followed by bouts of confusion over whether it’s in with the good air or out with the bad.

It makes me wonder: Are we a sick people; or are we just a people who enjoy bad health? In the entire banquet of disorders and ailments, though, I still think your common headache and your upset stomach are the bread and butter of drug manufacturers. Bread and butter. Now there’s an entrée. And for dessert, how about some cake? Hey, speaking of cake . . .

Cake Comments:

“This isn’t just cake. It’s a three-layered cure for what ails you,” exclaimed a fan.
“Feeling glum? One taste of this cake and you’ll be nursed back to good spirits,” said another.
“I’m just SICK I can’t eat this cake for EVERY meal,” chortled one enthusiast.

Cake Fact:

One cake should feed about 12 malingerers or 15 hypochondriacs

*** This blog is dedicated to Candy. Over time, her injuries will heal. But as for the TWO BULL RAMS who gave HER a headache, maybe science will come up with a cure for them sometime.

LOOK AT ME WHEN $'M TALKING TO YOU!!

“Checkout-counter rage.” Folks, it’s just a matter of time before this phrase becomes part of the English language lexicon.

When I place the Babbo cleanser, the 15-pound bag of dried dog food, and the three-roll economy package of paper towels on that conveyor belt, I’m aware that these items are purchased by the sweat of my brow, working weekends, nights, sometimes cutting my Thanksgiving holiday short, frequently missing family gatherings, and almost always having to turn down friends’ invitations to breakfast or lunch.

So when I hand my legal tender to Chantilly the clerk, I’m wanting some signal of “Thank you for choosing our store to shop in’: a nod, a fleeting glance, a glimmer of a smile.

I might as well be wearing Harry Potter’s magic cape that makes one invisible. I stand unseen as Sha-nay-nay pops her gum, inspects the lacquer on her seven-inch nails, then watches something fascinating happening above my head, behind my back, over my shoulder, or even out the front door and across the parking lot. And just when I think I’ve come back into view to her, she leans over to yell at Ray Jay three aisles down, checking to see how that date with Bekkka went last night.

The sales clerks are a real buzz kill to the thrill of shopping. The aggravation over being disregarded can last for hours and it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Sometimes the only way I can get rid of that taste is by eating some cake. Hey, speaking of cake . . . .

Cake Comments:

“Forget about cutting prices! Just cut me a piece of that cake!” enthused on fan.
“These Small But Tall cakes put me in the Express Lane to happiness,” a customer gushed.
“One taste of this cake and you’ll be getting that Winn-Dixie feeling,” vowed an ardent patron


Cake Fact:

One cake should feed 12 employees of the month or 15 associate store managers.